Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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