Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
