Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
