so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
