My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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