dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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