My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
