Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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