wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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