is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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