You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
