Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
