I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Why is your signature on my underwear?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
