is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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