I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
