How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
