Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
