hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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