he shaved USA in his pubs
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
