pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
