what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
a search helicopter?!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
