Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
