I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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