I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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