I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
