you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
