My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
