Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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