I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ladies don't puke and tell
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
