He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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