i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize