so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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