does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
