i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
