all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize