Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
