You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
