what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
