remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
