Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
