Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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