I skipped work to stalk him.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
