the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
