the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
