Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Alive.
So much puke
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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