Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize