And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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