If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
