upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
