We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize