when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
