i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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