don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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