yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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