My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
