Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
