So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
