Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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