In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
