did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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