So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
