Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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