Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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