it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
