my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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